love felt real with you but it never was

I was always waiting for you
          waiting for you to choose me then
          waiting for you to love me then
          waiting for you to stop abusing me then
          waiting for you to love me again.

My body kept track of the days I waited
       Each twisted word you'd say to me like
       a tallymark on my skin.
       Every broken promise you made
       teaching my brain to dysfunction.
       All the trauma weighing heavy like a chain,
       dragging me down into the grave you
       provided the shovel for me to dig.
                                                And I did.

Time stops making sense when someone
who's tricked you into loving them decides
you're better off senseless.
Before you know it they've blurred the lines
between where your memory and theirs begins.
Blink once and somehow the conversation we
were having turned into an argument.
The doctor tells me I have 20/20 vision
but you said I was blind so I realized
I could never open my eyes again.

I was always waiting for you.
Even after I left you trembling
in my wake. Even years later since
the last time I saw your face.
Just when I think I can forget your glare,
my subconscious is waiting to recruit you
to appear.
The dreams I do not wish for.
        And yet a part of me still waits.
        Frozen in the time when love felt real.
        And I continue to wait.
I continue to try to figure out how,
with you, it never was.

-Liz